WARNING: What you are about to read is an attempt at humor. If you think faith can’t be funny, please stop reading now and divert your attention to the more serious topics on our Web site.

If you think faith can be funny, but you determine after reading this that I am not, please take comfort in knowing that my wife and children agree with you.

YOU MIGHT BE A MEMBER IF ...

With apologies to Jeff Foxworthy of “Redneck” joke fame, you might be a member of the church of Christ …

• If you know exactly what song I’m talking about when I ask you to turn to number 728b.

• If you could recite all the books of the Bible before you could even read them.

• If you know the first and third verse of nearly every song.

• If you actually know what a “ready recollection” is and have been thoroughly “guide-guard-and-directed” all your life. (If you’re really a member, you know that “guide-guard-and-directed” must be followed by “and-bring-us-back-at-the-next-appointed-time.”)

• If you think “progressive” refers to those in the church who want a sound system and PowerPoint.

• If you can actually read shape notes.

• If you recognize any of these ministers by first name alone: Landon, Reuel, Prentice, Rubel, Norvel, Flavil, Furman or Batsell.

• If you think your chosen pew is “sacred” and no one else should sit in your spot.

• If you think the Bible questions on Jeopardy are way too easy.

• If you decide which Bible translation to use based on how Acts 2:38 reads.

• If you immediately reach for your wallet when you hear the phrase, “Now, separate and apart from the Lord’s Supper … ”

• If “chosen frozen” refers to your early worship service that resembles a country church 50 years ago, and “happy clappy” describes your late service that the chosen frozen are deeply concerned about.

• If you know all the words to all the verses of Trust and Obey.

• If you’ve ever ridden a JOY bus. (And, of course, you know that JOY stands for “Jesus” first, “Others” second and “Yourself” last.)

• If, when you’re happy and you know it, you clap your hands, stomp your feet and say “Amen!”

• If you’ve ever carried your Bible in an empty casserole dish.

• If you brought that casserole dish to the last fellowship meal, and the main ingredient in it was cream of mushroom soup.

• If you’ve ever heard a rambunctious young child yell “Pray for me! Pray for me!” as his mother whisked him down the aisle to the foyer.

• If you’ve ever wondered who Ebon Pinion was.

• If you think the term “church of Christ humor” is an oxymoron.

• If you’ve ever heard an announcement from the pulpit about a missing puppet.

• If you think the Chronicle is way too liberal.

• If you’ve ever prayed for those “who are sick of this congregation.”

• If you’ve never been to a church that wasn’t named after the street it was on.

• If you think the Chronicle is way too conservative.

• If you’ve been to a wedding or a funeral where “the invitation” was offered.

• If you’ve stood for 13 verses of Just As I Am with the last stanza sung softly.

WHO TO THANK, AND WHO TO BLAME

I offer my many thanks to the folks on my e-mail list who helped me come up with the above items. I take full credit for the lines that made you chuckle.

As for the ones that made you frown and want to send me nasty letters, here’s who to blame: Dan Knight, minister of church life at the Overland Park, Kan., church; Rick Johnson, worship and body life minister of the Eastside church, Antioch, Calif.; and Karen Koonce, a member of the Eastside church where Rick serves.

Also, Gerald Franks, a member of the Central church, Huntsville, Ala.; Stephen Michael Kellat, from Pennsylvania; Bill Brant, president of Abilene Christian Schools, Abilene, Texas; and Robyn Harwell, my wife Tamie’s cousin and a member of the Edmond, Okla., church.

A few others contributed, too, but I’m keeping their names secret to protect the guilty.

FIRST PERSON, FRONT ROW

Staying with the humor theme, Robyn reminded me that her and Tamie’s late “Papaw” Eual Dillard worshiped at a one-cup church with an outhouse in rural southeastern Oklahoma.

“Papaw always sat first person, front row,” Robyn said. “He never sat with us. I’m sure he thought he was fooling everyone.”

At a church attended by Cecil May, Bible dean at Faulkner University in Montgomery, Ala., visitation teams typically met after Sunday night services. The teams assigned names to visit, then enjoyed finger foods and desserts.

But when a high school baccalaureate was planned for the same night, a speedy visitation meeting was needed.

So, an elder announced, “Visitation team two will meet tonight and make assignments, but there will be no fellowship.”

CHECK OUT ROSS' personal blog at www.bobbyrossjr.blogspot.com.